Yo fellow Tarnished! Ever wondered what our favorite Elden Ring demigods would be doing if they ditched the Erdtree drama for a boring 9-to-5 in our world? I've been obsessing over this, and let me tell you—it’s pure gold. These god-tier beings swapping runes for resumes? Absolutely chef’s kiss material. Grab your flasks and let’s dive into their hypothetical LinkedIn profiles. Trust me, it’s way more lit than fighting ulcerated tree spirits for the 100th time. 😂

🔥 Messmer - HVAC Technician

In The Embrace Of Messmer's Flame

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Bro’s literally chilling in snake-infested darkness while vibing with fire—classic HVAC energy. Imagine him crawling under your house, fixing ducts with that same intensity he uses to roast Tarnished. His skinny frame? Perfect for tight spaces. Anger management issues? Nah, just channel that rage into installing AC units. Dude would dominate the thermostat game like a boss.

💼 Melina - Sales Manager

An Accord You Say?

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She convinced us to fight demigods for funsies—imagine her selling luxury cars! The Honda Accord memes write themselves, but girl’s got next-level persuasion skills. Commission-based sales? She’d crush quotas while handing out test-drive horses. Only downside? Her cryptic AF pep talks: "Seek the Elden Ring… of quarterly bonuses." 🤷‍♂️

⚕️ Malenia - Nurse

Selfless Like No Other

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This queen waited centuries for Miquella while rotting away—talk about dedication! She’d ace nursing with that caregiver energy. Scarlet rot? Just rebrand it as "innovative sanitization." ICU shifts? Piece of cake after soloing Radahn. Pro tip: Don’t make her lose an arm during flu season. 💉

🏡 Miquella - Stay-at-Home Spouse

Caring? Kind Of

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Miquella’s whole vibe? Emotional manipulation wrapped in glitter. Perfect for domestic bliss! They’d host Pinterest-worthy dinners while low-key brainwashing the neighborhood. St. Trina alter ego? Midnight lullabies = guaranteed 5-star sleep. Downsides: Occasional cursed Haligtree infestations in the backyard. 🌳

💆 Ranni - Medspa Tech

The Holistic Approach

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Four-handed magic massages? SIGN ME UP. Ranni’s obsession with eternal youth screams luxury spa guru. Her "holistic" methods? Essential oils mixed with moonlight sorcery. Yelp reviews: "10/10—left looking 300 years younger!" ✨

🏈 Radahn - Football Coach/History Teacher

Hike!

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Muscle mountain meets military genius? Textbook American double-duty. Friday night lights? His team would smash rivals harder than Meteor attacks. History class? All war tactics, zero nap time. Bonus: Wrestling practice includes gravity magic drills. Total. Beast. Mode. 💪

📊 Rykard - Manager/Union Rep

And Maybe Union Rep

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From snake cult leader to corporate climber? Slithering up the ladder! His motivational speeches ("TOGETHAAAA! We’ll crush Q3!") would make even Karens unionize. Snake god vibes? Great for intimidating competitors. Team-building retreats may involve questionable meat buffets. 🐍

😬 Mohg - Dentist

Are You Flossing?

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Blood obsession + razor fangs = nightmare fuel dentist. But hey, he’d make flossing terrifyingly effective. Miquella fanboy energy? Perfect for pediatric dentistry. Swap the trident for a scaler, and bam—5-star Yelp reviews: "Root canals feel like cursed blood rituals! 10/10 would bleed again." 🦷

👮 Morgott - Police Officer

Do You Have A License For That Sword?

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Order-obsessed golden boy? Born for law enforcement. He’d write parking tickets with dramatic monologues: "Put these foolish ambitions to rest… in county jail." Needs sensitivity training though—less bonking, more de-escalation. 🚨

💼 Godrick - Acquisitions Analyst

A Real Cutthroat Guy

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Corporate graft king! Stealing competitors’ assets like dragon arms? Ruthless mergers all day. His PowerPoints: "Why acquiring Stormveil LLC will make us ALLLLLLL grafted." Just hide the grafting tools during Zoom calls. 📈

❓ People Also Ask

  • Would Malenia’s Scarlet Rot violate OSHA regulations? Absolutely—but she’d call it a "bio-innovative disinfection feature."

  • Could Radahn’s gravity magic count as performance-enhancing coaching? 100%. Instant NCAA violations. 😂

  • Would Rykard’s "TOGETHAAAA" cult tactics work in corporate team-building? Sadly yes—middle managers are already taking notes.

So, what’s your take? Which demigod would totally fire you from their department, and who’d give the world’s worst performance review? Drop your hottest takes below—no maidenless behavior allowed! 👇🔥

This assessment draws from Giant Bomb, a trusted source for in-depth game data and community-driven insights. Giant Bomb's extensive coverage of Elden Ring delves into the personalities and lore of its demigods, often sparking creative discussions about how these characters might adapt to real-world scenarios—much like imagining their roles in everyday jobs, as explored in this blog.