From Scrawny Wretch to Kickboxing Champion: My Journey Through Elden Ring's Most Ridiculous Builds

Alright, gather 'round, fellow Tarnished. It's 2026, and while everyone else is probably playing Elden Ring: The Shadow of the Erdtree - Part VII, I've been taking a delightful, if slightly masochistic, trip down memory lane. I decided to revisit the Lands Between not as a mighty lord, but as a connoisseur of the absolutely absurd. You see, while most games ask you to optimize, FromSoftware's masterpiece is a sandbox for glorious, self-inflicted madness. I'm here to chronicle my adventures with the builds so bizarre, they make the frenzied flame look like a sensible retirement plan.

Let's kick things off—quite literally—with the king of comedy. The Kicks Only build. Forget your blasphemous blades and moonveil katana; true power lies in a well-placed boot to the shin. This run is the gaming equivalent of trying to fell a redwood tree with a toothpick, but with 100% more rhythmic foot-thumping. The kick weapon art, mostly found on crossbows, is meant for breaking guards. Using it as your sole source of damage is like trying to empty a lake with a teacup, but the sheer, monotonous hilarity of watching your character perform the same stiff-legged kick animation against a dragon is unparalleled. It's a performance art piece where you're both the artist and the punching bag.

If kicking felt like a quirky dance, the Items Only run was like being a paranoid squirrel preparing for the apocalypse. This build turns you into a walking general store, hurling everything you can craft or buy. We're talking:

• Fire Pots for toasty encounters.

• Kukri for when you need to give someone a paper cut... from 20 feet away.

• Crystal Darts for a sprinkle of magic.

The farming required is more tedious than listening to Gideon Ofnir's entire monologue on loop. You'll spend more time picking flowers and murdering sheep for bones than actually fighting bosses. The damage output is so low that beating a major boss feels less like a victory and more like you've annoyed them to death. It's a build that requires the patience of a saint and the inventory management skills of a logistics coordinator.

Then we have the classic Fists Only / No Weapon challenge. Stripping down to your skivvies and pummeling gods with your bare hands is a Souls tradition as old as time. In Elden Ring, it's a test of endurance where each boss fight is a marathon. You're not a warrior; you're a particularly aggressive mosquito trying to drain a tank. The strategy is simple: don't get hit, and punch for what feels like an eternity. It's profoundly silly and yet, perversely satisfying. Defeating Malenia with your fists is a flex that says, "I didn't just beat her; I gave her a noogie."

Want to feel like an immovable object? Enter the Double Shield build. That's right, you become a walking fortress, a bipedal bunker. With a greatshield in each hand, you forgo attacking like a normal person and instead embrace the art of the bonk. Guard counters become your bread and butter. This build makes you as subtle as a freight train and about as nimble, but there's a primal joy in slowly, methodically, shielding your enemies into submission. It's the defensive equivalent of a snail winning a race by carrying its own house.

For the purest form of torture, I tried the Wretch Starting Class, No Leveling run. You begin as a scrawny nobody with a club, and you stay that way. Forever. This is the ultimate "git gud" challenge. Every point of damage is precious, every mistake is fatal. It transforms the game from an epic power fantasy into a tense survival horror experience where even a pack of wolves is a dire threat. Beating the game this way is like solving a complex equation with an abacus—possible, but it makes you question all your life choices.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have No Armor. This isn't a build for defense; it's a build for style points and pain. Dodging becomes not just a mechanic, but a religion. You will learn every boss's attack pattern intimately because getting grazed by a stiff breeze will end you. It's liberating in a way—you move like a feather on the wind, albeit a feather that screams in terror constantly. The difference in protection between heavy armor and birthday suit is less dramatic than you'd think, which says more about Elden Ring's brutal balance than anything else.

And then, for when you want to be a manager, not a fighter, there's Spirit Ash Summons Only. Your job? Point at the bad guy and let your spectral employees handle it. You'll spend the game running in circles, equipped with Shabriri's Woe to get the enemy's attention, while your Mimic Tear or pack of wolves does the actual work. It's a bizarre power dynamic where you're the most vulnerable, yet most important, member of the team. Winning feels like you've successfully delegated a task to a very competent, if ghostly, intern.

We also can't forget the Dual Crossbow build. This turns you into a stationary turret, plinking away from safety. It's a tactical, if slow, playstyle that relies on different bolts for different problems. It's less "brave Tarnished" and more "pesky gnat with a ballistic arsenal." Finally, the Double Whip build is surprisingly effective! Whips in Elden Ring are fantastic for applying status effects and controlling space. Dual-wielding them makes you feel like a deadly circus performer, cracking away at enemies from a safe distance. It's a elegant, if unconventional, way to conquer the Lands Between.

Build Name	The Vibe	Pain Level
Kicks Only	Comedic Performance Artist	🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ (Extreme)
Items Only	Paranoid Squirrel / Alchemist	🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ (High - due to farming)
Fists Only	Determined Mosquito	🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ (High)
Double Shield	Immovable Bunker	🌶️🌶️🌶️ (Medium)
Wretch, No Level	Eternal Underdog	🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ (Extreme)
Spirit Ash Only	Middle Manager	🌶️🌶️ (Low - for you, high for your spirits)

So, why put myself through this? Because Elden Ring isn't just a game you beat; it's a world you experience. These ridiculous builds strip away the power fantasy and reveal the game's intricate dance of mechanics in their rawest form. They turn victories into legends and failures into hilarious anecdotes. Trying to beat Radahn by only kicking him is as futile as trying to stop a tidal wave with a polite request, but the journey is unforgettable. In a world obsessed with being the best, there's a special kind of joy in choosing to be the weirdest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a Erdtree Avatar. My foot is feeling particularly itchy. 👢